I have been meaning to ask you why it was so easy for you to let everything go. You know, just cut it off and move on? Like the fifteen months never happened. Like there was no regard at all for the friendship that we somehow had (I would like to believe we somehow had). I, on the other hand, went through all the stages of grief. Wikipedia said that one would go through at least two and I went through all the five—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Talk about exceeding expectations! And just like what Wikipedia said, I didn’t go through grief in that order although of course, acceptance was the last stage. Actually, I think I had gone around in circles—bargaining then denial then anger then depression then bargaining then anger again—before I finally came to acceptance. I have forgiven you although you have never apologized. It was hard but the coldness I received from you somehow helped. It would have been so much easier to remain angry but I didn’t want myself to suffer in silence in my corner of the world and be eaten up by anger and be defeated when you were probably out there partying and having a grand time. So, I chose to forgive. Now, when the memories come back, I do not choose to forget, because I can’t, at least not for now, but I try to choose not to remember.
For a long time, I couldn’t understand how someone could just let go of that friendship. I fight for my relationships especially with my friends and I fought for ours. But you, you just turned everything off as if you just flicked a switch. Just OFF all of a sudden and I guess without a fight. That easily. Why was it so easy for you? Maybe we’re just really different creatures but yes, I remember having done that once. I just shrugged someone off and moved on. Maybe, it was the same for you.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Thoughts on a Sunday Morning and Some Days After
1. No one can escape God’s stubborn love. If you are God’s child, He would do everything to bring you back and align your will with His. If He has to break you to bring you back to Himself, He would…repeatedly, if necessary.
a. And I have experienced this twice in my life. If others bite the dust, I ate mud and rolled on it. I was dirty and muddy all over and was way down the pit.
b. On the first fall, I tried seeking comfort from people but they just failed me. I thought I could solve my issues through vices but good enough that I was always too lazy to go out or too stingy to spend on something so fleeting (a bit of wisdom amidst the foolishness). It was a long process of learning, of breaking and molding, and I realized that only God could help me. The season after the first fall, before the second fall, was the best time of my life. I felt completely certain that I was in step with God. And as Pastor Joey said, if God told me then that it was time to go home, I would have made no adjustments in my life because I knew that I was living my life exactly the way I should have been living it.
c. The second time I fell, I knew better. No false expectations from men, no wasting time on vices but my focus was on God. I sought Him and I am still seeking Him but I know that I am definitely out of the pit and onto another enjoyable season of my life. I long to have that back. I would like to be able to tell God that if it is time to go home any time soon, I could gladly say, “Father, I am ready.”
2. Why am I crying?
a. Amidst the worship song “Indescribable”, I cried. The lyrics that made me: You placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name / You are amazing God.
b. So why did I cry? I asked God to fill me with His Holy Spirit so I could truly worship Him and I knew He did so that morning. It felt good to truly worship an amazing God who loves me faithfully in spite of everything I had done and all the mud I had eaten and all the rottenness I had gone through: Incomparable, unchangeable / You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same / You are amazing God.
3. If God’s revelations to me are any indication of wisdom, then I am happy and thankful for the affirmation.
a. Proverbs 9:10-the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
b. Psalm 25:12-when you fear God, you’re going to be instructed by Him; when you fear God, you begin to think His thoughts (Amen to this! :))
c. I believe that He has been giving me wisdom and instructing me and I have been thinking His thoughts. I believe that my understanding of His Word is a proof of that. Yes, there is reproof but I need that, I should want that.
a. And I have experienced this twice in my life. If others bite the dust, I ate mud and rolled on it. I was dirty and muddy all over and was way down the pit.
b. On the first fall, I tried seeking comfort from people but they just failed me. I thought I could solve my issues through vices but good enough that I was always too lazy to go out or too stingy to spend on something so fleeting (a bit of wisdom amidst the foolishness). It was a long process of learning, of breaking and molding, and I realized that only God could help me. The season after the first fall, before the second fall, was the best time of my life. I felt completely certain that I was in step with God. And as Pastor Joey said, if God told me then that it was time to go home, I would have made no adjustments in my life because I knew that I was living my life exactly the way I should have been living it.
c. The second time I fell, I knew better. No false expectations from men, no wasting time on vices but my focus was on God. I sought Him and I am still seeking Him but I know that I am definitely out of the pit and onto another enjoyable season of my life. I long to have that back. I would like to be able to tell God that if it is time to go home any time soon, I could gladly say, “Father, I am ready.”
2. Why am I crying?
a. Amidst the worship song “Indescribable”, I cried. The lyrics that made me: You placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name / You are amazing God.
b. So why did I cry? I asked God to fill me with His Holy Spirit so I could truly worship Him and I knew He did so that morning. It felt good to truly worship an amazing God who loves me faithfully in spite of everything I had done and all the mud I had eaten and all the rottenness I had gone through: Incomparable, unchangeable / You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same / You are amazing God.
3. If God’s revelations to me are any indication of wisdom, then I am happy and thankful for the affirmation.
a. Proverbs 9:10-the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
b. Psalm 25:12-when you fear God, you’re going to be instructed by Him; when you fear God, you begin to think His thoughts (Amen to this! :))
c. I believe that He has been giving me wisdom and instructing me and I have been thinking His thoughts. I believe that my understanding of His Word is a proof of that. Yes, there is reproof but I need that, I should want that.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Simple Joys
Saturdays usually mean that I have to wake up at around 5:30 in the morning to get ready for the aerobics class that is held from Monday to Saturday from 6 am to 7 am in the community rotunda/plaza five minutes away from my house. An aerobics instructor leads the class composed mostly of women aged mid 30s to 60s. Many of the participants are senior citizens. Participants pay P10 to P20 each as fee that goes mainly to the instructor’s fee and the maintenance of the sound system. Since I have to leave the house as early as 6:45 a.m. on weekdays to go to work, I only have Saturdays to join the aerobics class. I go there with my parents, more often with my dad, who is Mr. Congeniality and the one who discovered the aerobics sessions. Other people who wake up early and want to take a walk, usually with their babies, often watch the class but the participants, I included, do not mind. I believe that a lot of people have been encouraged to join the class by watching it first. After the class, I spend another 30 minutes walking our three dogs around the community with the help of my cousin. Three overactive dogs are just too much for me. :)
I have been on vacation since Monday, December 22, and was able to attend the Tuesday class. That day, as with the other Saturdays, I couldn’t help but think of the blessings I have been receiving that have been giving me simple joys. The blessings come in big and small packages but big or not, I have learned to be happy and content with them. All the more, I’ve learned to look at the hidden blessings in what would otherwise seem as mundane circumstances. Many people usually do an inventory at the end of the year but I’ve learned to count my blessings moment by moment every single day of my life.
1. I am thankful that I am able to keep fit without having to spend sooo much on fitness center memberships. Also, nothing beats an early morning workout that keeps me energized throughout the day. I don’t need to spend an hour or so to travel to the malls, where fitness centers are usually located, to get me jumping, running, and dancing (yes, dancing!…hahaha), not to mention having to wait for the opening time of the malls so I could attend my fitness classes.
2. It never ceases to amaze me how God can be forever faithful to his creations. There’s an 83-year old man in the aerobics class who can still keep in step with his younger counterparts. Turn here, jump here, bend here and he does all of it! And it made me smile when I saw him swaying and grooving and shaking his booty to the tune of Marian Rivera’s “So Sexy!” There is another man who watches the class, a friend of my father, who is afflicted with colorectal cancer; yet, he can still manage to wake up and take a walk in the morning. One early morning, when all else were asleep, a burglar entered his house. He was the only one awake and he was still able to beat this thief and send him away in spite of his affliction. God continues to bless these men another day to enjoy.
3. I am thankful that I am able to enjoy the aerobics class with my parents. It’s not only my way of staying fit but also my way of bonding with them.
4. I am thankful that my parents, in spite of their ailments, are still relatively healthier than many people their age. I am also thankful for God’s provision for their medication (you know how expensive PT sessions and diabetes medicines can be!). There were instances when their respective doctors had painted a grim picture of their ailments but upon seeking a second opinion, they were given better diagnoses and cheaper medications at that!
5. I am thankful for every new day God blesses me with. I have been praying the Prayer of Jabez for a little over a month now and I’ve been wondering how God would enlarge my territory. I mean, the rest of the prayer is so tangible in my life but “enlarge my territory?” Surely, God meant more than giving me hectares and hectares of land though He can give that to me, too if He wills it. And I realized that slowly, God has been enlarging my territory in so many ways! The first time I thought of it, I couldn’t help but smile a big smile and say thank you.
6. I am thankful that I have reconciled and made peace with exes—an ex-best friend, an almost ex-friend, and an ex-boyfriend (or whatever he was!...just made peace, not reconciled—a disclaimer before any of my friends react violently ). Things are not A-okay but I believe we’ll get there in due time.
7. I am thankful whenever I get to recycle bath water for use in flushing the toilet (I am a secret environmentalist so now that the secret is out, don’t you go wasting water, paper, or anything when you’re with me because I will not mince words with my lectures ). I still use the flush when there’s no recycled water but I am happy whenever I get the chance to save water.
8. I am thankful for dinners or lunches with family and friends. Trying new food and new restaurants is one of my luxuries (travel being the other) and having it with family and friends makes it doubly enjoyable. But then, even something as simple as having lunch and/or dinner with my family at home is something I am always thankful for; it’s always bonding time with the family.
9. I am thankful when I can meet up with new and old friends. Updating one another on our lives and others’ (chismis?! Hmmmm…not really) is really fun! I happened to see friends from high school when one of my friends got married this December; I had dinner with a friend from college whom I haven’t seen in months—these times really made me smile.
10. I am thankful everytime I feel God is teaching, encouraging, rebuking, and disciplining me. I feel that still He loves me in spite of all my shortcomings (God disciplines those He loves). As I write this, our youngest (6 months) puppy Bamby is fighting for his life. Parvo virus the vet said yesterday, Christmas day. He was given a 50-50 chance of survival on Christmas day! It felt awkward at first but I actually prayed for God to heal him. He is now walking energetically again, wanting to get out of the master’s bedroom, where he has been quarantined since yesterday, to play with the two other doggies (sorry Bamby, five more days to go…seven days of quarantine, dear puppy). His tail is wagging again and his eyes are now wide-opened whereas, for the past two days, his tail had been limp and his eyes had been sleepy and misty. I believe God is telling me that nothing is too simple for Him to grant only if we ask Him (…my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive and your joy will be complete). Whether it is about us humans or about a dog, just ask! And indeed, with Bamby walking again, my whole family is happier again. Fight, Bamby, fight!
I didn’t get to this level of thankfulness overnight. It took years and a lot of trials to see God’s goodness in every part of my life. Sometimes, I forget; I still struggle. I still ask God questions when I don’t understand, can’t understand circumstances. However, I know that God will always reveal His wisdom to me, and for that, I am thankful.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you.
I have been on vacation since Monday, December 22, and was able to attend the Tuesday class. That day, as with the other Saturdays, I couldn’t help but think of the blessings I have been receiving that have been giving me simple joys. The blessings come in big and small packages but big or not, I have learned to be happy and content with them. All the more, I’ve learned to look at the hidden blessings in what would otherwise seem as mundane circumstances. Many people usually do an inventory at the end of the year but I’ve learned to count my blessings moment by moment every single day of my life.
1. I am thankful that I am able to keep fit without having to spend sooo much on fitness center memberships. Also, nothing beats an early morning workout that keeps me energized throughout the day. I don’t need to spend an hour or so to travel to the malls, where fitness centers are usually located, to get me jumping, running, and dancing (yes, dancing!…hahaha), not to mention having to wait for the opening time of the malls so I could attend my fitness classes.
2. It never ceases to amaze me how God can be forever faithful to his creations. There’s an 83-year old man in the aerobics class who can still keep in step with his younger counterparts. Turn here, jump here, bend here and he does all of it! And it made me smile when I saw him swaying and grooving and shaking his booty to the tune of Marian Rivera’s “So Sexy!” There is another man who watches the class, a friend of my father, who is afflicted with colorectal cancer; yet, he can still manage to wake up and take a walk in the morning. One early morning, when all else were asleep, a burglar entered his house. He was the only one awake and he was still able to beat this thief and send him away in spite of his affliction. God continues to bless these men another day to enjoy.
3. I am thankful that I am able to enjoy the aerobics class with my parents. It’s not only my way of staying fit but also my way of bonding with them.
4. I am thankful that my parents, in spite of their ailments, are still relatively healthier than many people their age. I am also thankful for God’s provision for their medication (you know how expensive PT sessions and diabetes medicines can be!). There were instances when their respective doctors had painted a grim picture of their ailments but upon seeking a second opinion, they were given better diagnoses and cheaper medications at that!
5. I am thankful for every new day God blesses me with. I have been praying the Prayer of Jabez for a little over a month now and I’ve been wondering how God would enlarge my territory. I mean, the rest of the prayer is so tangible in my life but “enlarge my territory?” Surely, God meant more than giving me hectares and hectares of land though He can give that to me, too if He wills it. And I realized that slowly, God has been enlarging my territory in so many ways! The first time I thought of it, I couldn’t help but smile a big smile and say thank you.
6. I am thankful that I have reconciled and made peace with exes—an ex-best friend, an almost ex-friend, and an ex-boyfriend (or whatever he was!...just made peace, not reconciled—a disclaimer before any of my friends react violently ). Things are not A-okay but I believe we’ll get there in due time.
7. I am thankful whenever I get to recycle bath water for use in flushing the toilet (I am a secret environmentalist so now that the secret is out, don’t you go wasting water, paper, or anything when you’re with me because I will not mince words with my lectures ). I still use the flush when there’s no recycled water but I am happy whenever I get the chance to save water.
8. I am thankful for dinners or lunches with family and friends. Trying new food and new restaurants is one of my luxuries (travel being the other) and having it with family and friends makes it doubly enjoyable. But then, even something as simple as having lunch and/or dinner with my family at home is something I am always thankful for; it’s always bonding time with the family.
9. I am thankful when I can meet up with new and old friends. Updating one another on our lives and others’ (chismis?! Hmmmm…not really) is really fun! I happened to see friends from high school when one of my friends got married this December; I had dinner with a friend from college whom I haven’t seen in months—these times really made me smile.
10. I am thankful everytime I feel God is teaching, encouraging, rebuking, and disciplining me. I feel that still He loves me in spite of all my shortcomings (God disciplines those He loves). As I write this, our youngest (6 months) puppy Bamby is fighting for his life. Parvo virus the vet said yesterday, Christmas day. He was given a 50-50 chance of survival on Christmas day! It felt awkward at first but I actually prayed for God to heal him. He is now walking energetically again, wanting to get out of the master’s bedroom, where he has been quarantined since yesterday, to play with the two other doggies (sorry Bamby, five more days to go…seven days of quarantine, dear puppy). His tail is wagging again and his eyes are now wide-opened whereas, for the past two days, his tail had been limp and his eyes had been sleepy and misty. I believe God is telling me that nothing is too simple for Him to grant only if we ask Him (…my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive and your joy will be complete). Whether it is about us humans or about a dog, just ask! And indeed, with Bamby walking again, my whole family is happier again. Fight, Bamby, fight!
I didn’t get to this level of thankfulness overnight. It took years and a lot of trials to see God’s goodness in every part of my life. Sometimes, I forget; I still struggle. I still ask God questions when I don’t understand, can’t understand circumstances. However, I know that God will always reveal His wisdom to me, and for that, I am thankful.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Here’s My Song for You
Here I am hunched over my piano
Trying to weave melodies for a song.
I feel your hands on my shoulders,
I smell your scent waft through the air,
I see your smile in front of me.
Here I am with my pen and paper
Trying to weave words for a song.
I hear you giggle at my joke,
I feel your kiss on my lips.
I close my eyes, tears fall.
I gently caress the keys of my piano
And play the song
And feel your skin on my fingers
As your voice tickles my soul.
Hear my song for you--
the notes travel through the air.
Hear the words I never got to say--
they grow wings to reach you.
Listen to the rhythm of my heart,
Listen to my plea and come back
So I can again write songs about love
Made up of happy endings.
Trying to weave melodies for a song.
I feel your hands on my shoulders,
I smell your scent waft through the air,
I see your smile in front of me.
Here I am with my pen and paper
Trying to weave words for a song.
I hear you giggle at my joke,
I feel your kiss on my lips.
I close my eyes, tears fall.
I gently caress the keys of my piano
And play the song
And feel your skin on my fingers
As your voice tickles my soul.
Hear my song for you--
the notes travel through the air.
Hear the words I never got to say--
they grow wings to reach you.
Listen to the rhythm of my heart,
Listen to my plea and come back
So I can again write songs about love
Made up of happy endings.
Free Fall
Like a leaf falling through a ravine
The wind causing the only friction
Swirling and swirling, dancing in the air
Following the wind’s leading
Will the leaf defy the call of gravity and
Will the wind be more successful?
I can feel the wind against my face
Making my body resist the pull of gravity
I can feel the breeze gently combing every strand of my hair
It makes my white, long, flowing dress ruffle in the air
The river below is calling.
How will it feel when my body hits the waters?
I am standing on the edge of a cliff,
The rough face of the rocks stinging my bare feet.
In a while, I can rest
When my body hits the water
And the cold river envelopes my whole being
I am ready now.
On the brink of a free fall.
The wind causing the only friction
Swirling and swirling, dancing in the air
Following the wind’s leading
Will the leaf defy the call of gravity and
Will the wind be more successful?
I can feel the wind against my face
Making my body resist the pull of gravity
I can feel the breeze gently combing every strand of my hair
It makes my white, long, flowing dress ruffle in the air
The river below is calling.
How will it feel when my body hits the waters?
I am standing on the edge of a cliff,
The rough face of the rocks stinging my bare feet.
In a while, I can rest
When my body hits the water
And the cold river envelopes my whole being
I am ready now.
On the brink of a free fall.
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