That syllable, or word, has been playing in my mind over and over again for some time now (so, let me write down my thoughts on it just to get it out of my mind). “Ex” has always had a tragic connotation for me. It means that a relationship didn’t work out in spite of several attempts (sometimes just one or none at all…depends actually on the people involved) to fix it. And we know that fixing relationships is not as easy as fixing a leaking faucet. Fixing a relationship doesn’t only require time and physical exertion of effort; it also requires emotions and that makes it doubly or triply hard (whatever…it is always harder!) and all the more tragic if everything would be in vain.
My friend has been referring to her ex-boyfriend in our conversations as “ex.” I still do not understand why she still cannot refer to him using his name when she said that she had moved on… or maybe not yet. That could explain it. I feel bad when people refer to some people in their lives as “exes” although I have my share of exes and whenever I refer to them as such, I feel bad. I have an ex-best friend and an ex-friend. I would like to think that I also have an ex-boyfriend or an ex-fling (I have yet to resolve what to call that relationship) but I refuse to call him my “ex” simply because he has had a positive, profound effect in my life. He taught me things about business and the more important things in life like forgiveness, patience in dealing with people, and humility so I often refer to him by a nickname I coined for him instead of calling him my “ex-whatever”.
For me, calling someone “ex” means crossing out someone from my life, like totally wiping him out of a slate, like putting liquid eraser over his name on the list of people I value and love. And that is sad. Because no matter how badly things turn out for a relationship, there are lessons to be learned, as always, if not from the person himself, at least from the experience.
I have been on both the extreme ends of saving a relationship. I was once the person someone reached out to so she could save our friendship. But I was too proud and hurt by what had happened in the past that I didn’t reach out my hand in return. She might have gotten tired of saving what could have been a 12-year friendship by today that she just stopped reaching out altogether. By the time I had shaken the pride and the hurt, she was gone. Yes, she is the ex-best friend. Sad.
I, too, reached out to someone to save our friendship. But I think we all come to a point when we realize that something is not working anymore; that we can only do so much to save a relationship; that our own efforts will not be enough because unless the other party dances with us and complements our steps, the tango will not be a success. I got tired of dancing on my own so I stopped reaching out. Yes, that person is the ex-friend. Sad.
The truth, though, is that even though I would like to put liquid eraser over their names on the list of people I value and love, they will still leave their mark on the list because of the space they will be creating. The mark of the liquid eraser on the list will still be visible even though I write a new name over the dried liquid eraser mark. The truth is, even though I try to obliterate them from my life, I cannot because I learned lessons from them and/or the relationship. Even though I could be successful in forgetting the feelings those people’s presence in my life brought to me while we were still together, shards of memories would remain. Even though I wouldn’t feel joy or pain anymore when I remember our times together, the memories will remain. And even though I shake off the memories, the lessons remain. The truth is, I cannot utterly remove them from my life.
So, let me think of a new term. Former friend? Past friend? Onetime friend? What do you say?
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Not/Writing About Love
Tonight, I don’t want to write about love. I don’t want to write about a failed romance or broken promises. I would like to write about how a lightning as sharp as the sword used by the samurai, with its pointed tip and jagged edges, slashed open the nimbus clouds in the afternoon while the world in this corner was busy with humans typing away on their keyboards, talking to someone on the telephone, stopping by a cubicle to chat with a colleague, or knitting their brows to conjure up that next big idea, the one that would make the bulbs above their heads light up.
As the lightning poked the sky, a downpour began. The raindrops hit the ground, unmindful of how the city dwellers hate the rain because it makes their commute harder and longer, unless they are in bed, hugging and cuddling someone with the cool breeze and the gentle splatter of the rain outside serving the music to their dance. Beyond the city walls, the farmers rejoice and thank Heaven as the rain seeps through the soil and nourishes the grains of corn or rice planted in their fields.
I stepped out of the concrete edifice that had been my dwelling for the last eight hours, sometimes fifteen, a sad fact but a fact, nonetheless. I opened my red umbrella and felt, heard, the raindrops land on it and after, they fell to the ground and formed puddles at my feet that wetted my pants. I walked the street to the train station and chanced upon a boy of seven selling sampaguita. No umbrella over his head, nothing to protect him from the angry rain. While the sharp rain hit his head, his whole body, as he shivered in the cold, I heard the gentle plea uttered by his eyes as he raised his arm towards me, his hand clutching the stringed flowers. I took out a bill and bought some of his goods while I covered his head with the red umbrella in my hand, and told him to go home.
Tonight, I don’t want to write about love, the kind that makes me giddy and dreamy, the kind that makes me smile as I stare out into space. I would like to write about the kind of love written in the Good Book, the second commandment, “love your neighbor as yourself.”
As the lightning poked the sky, a downpour began. The raindrops hit the ground, unmindful of how the city dwellers hate the rain because it makes their commute harder and longer, unless they are in bed, hugging and cuddling someone with the cool breeze and the gentle splatter of the rain outside serving the music to their dance. Beyond the city walls, the farmers rejoice and thank Heaven as the rain seeps through the soil and nourishes the grains of corn or rice planted in their fields.
I stepped out of the concrete edifice that had been my dwelling for the last eight hours, sometimes fifteen, a sad fact but a fact, nonetheless. I opened my red umbrella and felt, heard, the raindrops land on it and after, they fell to the ground and formed puddles at my feet that wetted my pants. I walked the street to the train station and chanced upon a boy of seven selling sampaguita. No umbrella over his head, nothing to protect him from the angry rain. While the sharp rain hit his head, his whole body, as he shivered in the cold, I heard the gentle plea uttered by his eyes as he raised his arm towards me, his hand clutching the stringed flowers. I took out a bill and bought some of his goods while I covered his head with the red umbrella in my hand, and told him to go home.
Tonight, I don’t want to write about love, the kind that makes me giddy and dreamy, the kind that makes me smile as I stare out into space. I would like to write about the kind of love written in the Good Book, the second commandment, “love your neighbor as yourself.”
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
A Letter in Need of Answers…or Maybe Not
I have been meaning to ask you why it was so easy for you to let everything go. You know, just cut it off and move on? Like the fifteen months never happened. Like there was no regard at all for the friendship that we somehow had (I would like to believe we somehow had). I, on the other hand, went through all the stages of grief. Wikipedia said that one would go through at least two and I went through all the five—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Talk about exceeding expectations! And just like what Wikipedia said, I didn’t go through grief in that order although of course, acceptance was the last stage. Actually, I think I had gone around in circles—bargaining then denial then anger then depression then bargaining then anger again—before I finally came to acceptance. I have forgiven you although you have never apologized. It was hard but the coldness I received from you somehow helped. It would have been so much easier to remain angry but I didn’t want myself to suffer in silence in my corner of the world and be eaten up by anger and be defeated when you were probably out there partying and having a grand time. So, I chose to forgive. Now, when the memories come back, I do not choose to forget, because I can’t, at least not for now, but I try to choose not to remember.
For a long time, I couldn’t understand how someone could just let go of that friendship. I fight for my relationships especially with my friends and I fought for ours. But you, you just turned everything off as if you just flicked a switch. Just OFF all of a sudden and I guess without a fight. That easily. Why was it so easy for you? Maybe we’re just really different creatures but yes, I remember having done that once. I just shrugged someone off and moved on. Maybe, it was the same for you.
For a long time, I couldn’t understand how someone could just let go of that friendship. I fight for my relationships especially with my friends and I fought for ours. But you, you just turned everything off as if you just flicked a switch. Just OFF all of a sudden and I guess without a fight. That easily. Why was it so easy for you? Maybe we’re just really different creatures but yes, I remember having done that once. I just shrugged someone off and moved on. Maybe, it was the same for you.
Thoughts on a Sunday Morning and Some Days After
1. No one can escape God’s stubborn love. If you are God’s child, He would do everything to bring you back and align your will with His. If He has to break you to bring you back to Himself, He would…repeatedly, if necessary.
a. And I have experienced this twice in my life. If others bite the dust, I ate mud and rolled on it. I was dirty and muddy all over and was way down the pit.
b. On the first fall, I tried seeking comfort from people but they just failed me. I thought I could solve my issues through vices but good enough that I was always too lazy to go out or too stingy to spend on something so fleeting (a bit of wisdom amidst the foolishness). It was a long process of learning, of breaking and molding, and I realized that only God could help me. The season after the first fall, before the second fall, was the best time of my life. I felt completely certain that I was in step with God. And as Pastor Joey said, if God told me then that it was time to go home, I would have made no adjustments in my life because I knew that I was living my life exactly the way I should have been living it.
c. The second time I fell, I knew better. No false expectations from men, no wasting time on vices but my focus was on God. I sought Him and I am still seeking Him but I know that I am definitely out of the pit and onto another enjoyable season of my life. I long to have that back. I would like to be able to tell God that if it is time to go home any time soon, I could gladly say, “Father, I am ready.”
2. Why am I crying?
a. Amidst the worship song “Indescribable”, I cried. The lyrics that made me: You placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name / You are amazing God.
b. So why did I cry? I asked God to fill me with His Holy Spirit so I could truly worship Him and I knew He did so that morning. It felt good to truly worship an amazing God who loves me faithfully in spite of everything I had done and all the mud I had eaten and all the rottenness I had gone through: Incomparable, unchangeable / You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same / You are amazing God.
3. If God’s revelations to me are any indication of wisdom, then I am happy and thankful for the affirmation.
a. Proverbs 9:10-the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
b. Psalm 25:12-when you fear God, you’re going to be instructed by Him; when you fear God, you begin to think His thoughts (Amen to this! :))
c. I believe that He has been giving me wisdom and instructing me and I have been thinking His thoughts. I believe that my understanding of His Word is a proof of that. Yes, there is reproof but I need that, I should want that.
a. And I have experienced this twice in my life. If others bite the dust, I ate mud and rolled on it. I was dirty and muddy all over and was way down the pit.
b. On the first fall, I tried seeking comfort from people but they just failed me. I thought I could solve my issues through vices but good enough that I was always too lazy to go out or too stingy to spend on something so fleeting (a bit of wisdom amidst the foolishness). It was a long process of learning, of breaking and molding, and I realized that only God could help me. The season after the first fall, before the second fall, was the best time of my life. I felt completely certain that I was in step with God. And as Pastor Joey said, if God told me then that it was time to go home, I would have made no adjustments in my life because I knew that I was living my life exactly the way I should have been living it.
c. The second time I fell, I knew better. No false expectations from men, no wasting time on vices but my focus was on God. I sought Him and I am still seeking Him but I know that I am definitely out of the pit and onto another enjoyable season of my life. I long to have that back. I would like to be able to tell God that if it is time to go home any time soon, I could gladly say, “Father, I am ready.”
2. Why am I crying?
a. Amidst the worship song “Indescribable”, I cried. The lyrics that made me: You placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name / You are amazing God.
b. So why did I cry? I asked God to fill me with His Holy Spirit so I could truly worship Him and I knew He did so that morning. It felt good to truly worship an amazing God who loves me faithfully in spite of everything I had done and all the mud I had eaten and all the rottenness I had gone through: Incomparable, unchangeable / You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same / You are amazing God.
3. If God’s revelations to me are any indication of wisdom, then I am happy and thankful for the affirmation.
a. Proverbs 9:10-the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
b. Psalm 25:12-when you fear God, you’re going to be instructed by Him; when you fear God, you begin to think His thoughts (Amen to this! :))
c. I believe that He has been giving me wisdom and instructing me and I have been thinking His thoughts. I believe that my understanding of His Word is a proof of that. Yes, there is reproof but I need that, I should want that.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Simple Joys
Saturdays usually mean that I have to wake up at around 5:30 in the morning to get ready for the aerobics class that is held from Monday to Saturday from 6 am to 7 am in the community rotunda/plaza five minutes away from my house. An aerobics instructor leads the class composed mostly of women aged mid 30s to 60s. Many of the participants are senior citizens. Participants pay P10 to P20 each as fee that goes mainly to the instructor’s fee and the maintenance of the sound system. Since I have to leave the house as early as 6:45 a.m. on weekdays to go to work, I only have Saturdays to join the aerobics class. I go there with my parents, more often with my dad, who is Mr. Congeniality and the one who discovered the aerobics sessions. Other people who wake up early and want to take a walk, usually with their babies, often watch the class but the participants, I included, do not mind. I believe that a lot of people have been encouraged to join the class by watching it first. After the class, I spend another 30 minutes walking our three dogs around the community with the help of my cousin. Three overactive dogs are just too much for me. :)
I have been on vacation since Monday, December 22, and was able to attend the Tuesday class. That day, as with the other Saturdays, I couldn’t help but think of the blessings I have been receiving that have been giving me simple joys. The blessings come in big and small packages but big or not, I have learned to be happy and content with them. All the more, I’ve learned to look at the hidden blessings in what would otherwise seem as mundane circumstances. Many people usually do an inventory at the end of the year but I’ve learned to count my blessings moment by moment every single day of my life.
1. I am thankful that I am able to keep fit without having to spend sooo much on fitness center memberships. Also, nothing beats an early morning workout that keeps me energized throughout the day. I don’t need to spend an hour or so to travel to the malls, where fitness centers are usually located, to get me jumping, running, and dancing (yes, dancing!…hahaha), not to mention having to wait for the opening time of the malls so I could attend my fitness classes.
2. It never ceases to amaze me how God can be forever faithful to his creations. There’s an 83-year old man in the aerobics class who can still keep in step with his younger counterparts. Turn here, jump here, bend here and he does all of it! And it made me smile when I saw him swaying and grooving and shaking his booty to the tune of Marian Rivera’s “So Sexy!” There is another man who watches the class, a friend of my father, who is afflicted with colorectal cancer; yet, he can still manage to wake up and take a walk in the morning. One early morning, when all else were asleep, a burglar entered his house. He was the only one awake and he was still able to beat this thief and send him away in spite of his affliction. God continues to bless these men another day to enjoy.
3. I am thankful that I am able to enjoy the aerobics class with my parents. It’s not only my way of staying fit but also my way of bonding with them.
4. I am thankful that my parents, in spite of their ailments, are still relatively healthier than many people their age. I am also thankful for God’s provision for their medication (you know how expensive PT sessions and diabetes medicines can be!). There were instances when their respective doctors had painted a grim picture of their ailments but upon seeking a second opinion, they were given better diagnoses and cheaper medications at that!
5. I am thankful for every new day God blesses me with. I have been praying the Prayer of Jabez for a little over a month now and I’ve been wondering how God would enlarge my territory. I mean, the rest of the prayer is so tangible in my life but “enlarge my territory?” Surely, God meant more than giving me hectares and hectares of land though He can give that to me, too if He wills it. And I realized that slowly, God has been enlarging my territory in so many ways! The first time I thought of it, I couldn’t help but smile a big smile and say thank you.
6. I am thankful that I have reconciled and made peace with exes—an ex-best friend, an almost ex-friend, and an ex-boyfriend (or whatever he was!...just made peace, not reconciled—a disclaimer before any of my friends react violently ). Things are not A-okay but I believe we’ll get there in due time.
7. I am thankful whenever I get to recycle bath water for use in flushing the toilet (I am a secret environmentalist so now that the secret is out, don’t you go wasting water, paper, or anything when you’re with me because I will not mince words with my lectures ). I still use the flush when there’s no recycled water but I am happy whenever I get the chance to save water.
8. I am thankful for dinners or lunches with family and friends. Trying new food and new restaurants is one of my luxuries (travel being the other) and having it with family and friends makes it doubly enjoyable. But then, even something as simple as having lunch and/or dinner with my family at home is something I am always thankful for; it’s always bonding time with the family.
9. I am thankful when I can meet up with new and old friends. Updating one another on our lives and others’ (chismis?! Hmmmm…not really) is really fun! I happened to see friends from high school when one of my friends got married this December; I had dinner with a friend from college whom I haven’t seen in months—these times really made me smile.
10. I am thankful everytime I feel God is teaching, encouraging, rebuking, and disciplining me. I feel that still He loves me in spite of all my shortcomings (God disciplines those He loves). As I write this, our youngest (6 months) puppy Bamby is fighting for his life. Parvo virus the vet said yesterday, Christmas day. He was given a 50-50 chance of survival on Christmas day! It felt awkward at first but I actually prayed for God to heal him. He is now walking energetically again, wanting to get out of the master’s bedroom, where he has been quarantined since yesterday, to play with the two other doggies (sorry Bamby, five more days to go…seven days of quarantine, dear puppy). His tail is wagging again and his eyes are now wide-opened whereas, for the past two days, his tail had been limp and his eyes had been sleepy and misty. I believe God is telling me that nothing is too simple for Him to grant only if we ask Him (…my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive and your joy will be complete). Whether it is about us humans or about a dog, just ask! And indeed, with Bamby walking again, my whole family is happier again. Fight, Bamby, fight!
I didn’t get to this level of thankfulness overnight. It took years and a lot of trials to see God’s goodness in every part of my life. Sometimes, I forget; I still struggle. I still ask God questions when I don’t understand, can’t understand circumstances. However, I know that God will always reveal His wisdom to me, and for that, I am thankful.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you.
I have been on vacation since Monday, December 22, and was able to attend the Tuesday class. That day, as with the other Saturdays, I couldn’t help but think of the blessings I have been receiving that have been giving me simple joys. The blessings come in big and small packages but big or not, I have learned to be happy and content with them. All the more, I’ve learned to look at the hidden blessings in what would otherwise seem as mundane circumstances. Many people usually do an inventory at the end of the year but I’ve learned to count my blessings moment by moment every single day of my life.
1. I am thankful that I am able to keep fit without having to spend sooo much on fitness center memberships. Also, nothing beats an early morning workout that keeps me energized throughout the day. I don’t need to spend an hour or so to travel to the malls, where fitness centers are usually located, to get me jumping, running, and dancing (yes, dancing!…hahaha), not to mention having to wait for the opening time of the malls so I could attend my fitness classes.
2. It never ceases to amaze me how God can be forever faithful to his creations. There’s an 83-year old man in the aerobics class who can still keep in step with his younger counterparts. Turn here, jump here, bend here and he does all of it! And it made me smile when I saw him swaying and grooving and shaking his booty to the tune of Marian Rivera’s “So Sexy!” There is another man who watches the class, a friend of my father, who is afflicted with colorectal cancer; yet, he can still manage to wake up and take a walk in the morning. One early morning, when all else were asleep, a burglar entered his house. He was the only one awake and he was still able to beat this thief and send him away in spite of his affliction. God continues to bless these men another day to enjoy.
3. I am thankful that I am able to enjoy the aerobics class with my parents. It’s not only my way of staying fit but also my way of bonding with them.
4. I am thankful that my parents, in spite of their ailments, are still relatively healthier than many people their age. I am also thankful for God’s provision for their medication (you know how expensive PT sessions and diabetes medicines can be!). There were instances when their respective doctors had painted a grim picture of their ailments but upon seeking a second opinion, they were given better diagnoses and cheaper medications at that!
5. I am thankful for every new day God blesses me with. I have been praying the Prayer of Jabez for a little over a month now and I’ve been wondering how God would enlarge my territory. I mean, the rest of the prayer is so tangible in my life but “enlarge my territory?” Surely, God meant more than giving me hectares and hectares of land though He can give that to me, too if He wills it. And I realized that slowly, God has been enlarging my territory in so many ways! The first time I thought of it, I couldn’t help but smile a big smile and say thank you.
6. I am thankful that I have reconciled and made peace with exes—an ex-best friend, an almost ex-friend, and an ex-boyfriend (or whatever he was!...just made peace, not reconciled—a disclaimer before any of my friends react violently ). Things are not A-okay but I believe we’ll get there in due time.
7. I am thankful whenever I get to recycle bath water for use in flushing the toilet (I am a secret environmentalist so now that the secret is out, don’t you go wasting water, paper, or anything when you’re with me because I will not mince words with my lectures ). I still use the flush when there’s no recycled water but I am happy whenever I get the chance to save water.
8. I am thankful for dinners or lunches with family and friends. Trying new food and new restaurants is one of my luxuries (travel being the other) and having it with family and friends makes it doubly enjoyable. But then, even something as simple as having lunch and/or dinner with my family at home is something I am always thankful for; it’s always bonding time with the family.
9. I am thankful when I can meet up with new and old friends. Updating one another on our lives and others’ (chismis?! Hmmmm…not really) is really fun! I happened to see friends from high school when one of my friends got married this December; I had dinner with a friend from college whom I haven’t seen in months—these times really made me smile.
10. I am thankful everytime I feel God is teaching, encouraging, rebuking, and disciplining me. I feel that still He loves me in spite of all my shortcomings (God disciplines those He loves). As I write this, our youngest (6 months) puppy Bamby is fighting for his life. Parvo virus the vet said yesterday, Christmas day. He was given a 50-50 chance of survival on Christmas day! It felt awkward at first but I actually prayed for God to heal him. He is now walking energetically again, wanting to get out of the master’s bedroom, where he has been quarantined since yesterday, to play with the two other doggies (sorry Bamby, five more days to go…seven days of quarantine, dear puppy). His tail is wagging again and his eyes are now wide-opened whereas, for the past two days, his tail had been limp and his eyes had been sleepy and misty. I believe God is telling me that nothing is too simple for Him to grant only if we ask Him (…my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive and your joy will be complete). Whether it is about us humans or about a dog, just ask! And indeed, with Bamby walking again, my whole family is happier again. Fight, Bamby, fight!
I didn’t get to this level of thankfulness overnight. It took years and a lot of trials to see God’s goodness in every part of my life. Sometimes, I forget; I still struggle. I still ask God questions when I don’t understand, can’t understand circumstances. However, I know that God will always reveal His wisdom to me, and for that, I am thankful.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you.
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