You Cannot Give What You Don't Have

Whilst reading this blog by Rica Peralejo-Bonifacio, I was reminded of an email conversation with a good friend last January.  It was about recovering from a hurt caused by somebody.  At some point, I told her that perhaps, it would be easier to heal if this somebody would apologise (that was why this other blog by Rica also struck me), to which my friend replied “wag mo na antaying mag-sorry siya sa’yo…una, baka mafrustrate ka and remember Jesus died for you when we were still sinners…”

I must say that one of the things that used to surprise me is when people wouldn’t apologise even when I had told them that they had hurt me.  Instead of receiving an apology, I was blamed for having been sensitive or over-reactive or because they had thought okay lang sa akin (to which I had wanted to reply: kung totoong kaibigan kita, alam mo kung ano ang ok at hindi ok sa akin) or told that I had no right to be hurt because it wasn’t their intention to hurt me (as if there is always a direct correlation between one’s intention and how that intention is expressed through words or actions, which are many times the ones that become offensive).  And I realised that the surprise over the shift of the blame (ako na yung nasaktan, ako pa yung nasisi) was because of false expectations – I have learned (and continue to learn) to humble myself and say sorry if I hurt someone even if it wasn’t my intention to do so (sino ba naman ang gusto makasakit consciously?) simply because I hurt him no matter what my intention was.  It was all about shifting the focus on the person I hurt instead of myself – so others should be able to do the same, but truthfully, can I or should I expect other people to have the same mindset as I?

I cannot and should not because as a friend always reminds me, having no expectation from others will spare me from a lot of hurt and disappointment.  And the bigger lesson is that I cannot expect others to understand being accountable for the consequences of their actions (and not of their intentions) and being humble and receiving mercy because it took a lot for me also to get to this place – I am only able to forgive in spite of myself or the absence of an apology because I myself was forgiven when I humbled myself before a mighty, merciful, and loving God who in spite of my wickedness decided to let His Son die on the cross so I can have eternal life with Him in heaven – a love so great I cannot fathom no matter how hard I try to wrap my brain around it.  I can humble myself before someone I hurt because I know there is mercy waiting if not from him, from God.  I can extend mercy to people who offended me because I myself received mercy.  I can love (and a sign of that is being accountable to someone I hurt because love is not arrogant) because I was loved first.  Indeed, you cannot give what you do not have.

A Fairy Tale...sort of...

Once upon a time in a not so distant land called Memory, in a dark dungeon in the land, there lived a princess called Pinkmary, but she didn’t know that she was a princess because she was bound in chains by a dragon who fed her with lies…lies that she believed. The best times of her life were spent in bondage with the dragon.

In the same land was an exile called Princess Tinkerbelly, err, Tinkermary.

She saw what the dragon was doing to Princess Pinkmary so she sought to set her free. She went to Princess Pinkmary’s dungeon and loosened her chains one day at a time. Alas! Princess Pinkmary seemed to have been deceived by the dragon very well. Even with loosened chains, she thought she was still bound to the dragon and had to be with him. Even with opportunities to escape him, she chose to stay…with the dragon…in the dungeon.

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I’ve run out of creativity hahaha…sabi ko na hanggang non-fiction lang ako eh…for now…not even creative non-fiction…

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I am Princess Tinkermary and I happened to have known Princess Pinkmary at one point.  I reached out to her but she broke my heart in a way I did not imagine – I was blindsided.  So, I moved on.  But someone said, “pray for those who hurt you and the hurt will go away.”  I did not give it much attention.  I was hurt and disappointed and terribly so!  But I was continuously nudged by the Holy Spirit to pray for Princess Pinkmary.  And I answered, “but why me?”  Somewhere at the back of my mind, I was reasoning, “ako na nga sinaktan, ako pa magdarasal sa kanya?!  Marami naman siyang ibang kaibigan…”  But the nudges continued to the point I had headaches trying to reason with God why I should not pray for her.  At one point, I asked a friend, “pwede ko ba syang ipagdasal…because praying for her would bring back memories…?” and she answered, “wala naman akong nabasa sa Bible na wag mo ipagdasal ang tao.”  Wahahah, tama nga naman.  So, I reluctantly obeyed and prayed for Princess Pinkmary to accept the freedom that the Prince of Peace was offering her, for her to be set free from the dragon by the Real King as He had been doing all along.  More leading came to pray for her, her family (father, mother, and siblings), and her provisions.  I remembered some of her prayer points and prayed for those.  I hoped that she would finally see that God had been leading her out….she just could not see that and that’s the consequence of having been in the dark for so long, you cannot see the truth.

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I highly suspect that like the lessons on patience and managing finances well that I have had to learn, this is part of my lessons on forgiveness and I better pass this so that I can move on to the next lesson; if not, I wonder how I should continue to learn this.  Because I learned that most of the time, God’s lessons are never head knowledge, hardly theoretical.  They are practical.  He has put me in situations where I would be so hurt so I would learn to forgive, in situations where I have had to be with people I thought I would not be able to stand so I could learn patience, and He has put me in situations I could not control so as to learn to trust God. After all, He is more concerned about my holiness than my  happiness, in my character than in my comfort.

Matthew 5:48  Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

1 Thessalonians 3:13  May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones.

The Miracle of Prayer

I had committed the land of Memory to Oblivion.  But when I obeyed to pray for her, I felt my heart of ice melt to give way to a heart of flesh.

A friend once told me that the opposite of love is not hate; the opposite of love is indifference.  And that was true for me.  I did not really hate her but I was beginning to be indifferent towards her.  My initial prayer was (kasi nga pinagbibigyan ko lang si God di ba?  Masabi lang na ipinagdasal ko sya.), “Bahala ka na sa kanya, God.  Pwede ba yun na lang ang prayer ko?”  Waahhhh…I had continued debates with God for a season but He always wins!  So, ok, ipagdasal ang kanyang tunay na pangangailagan…

I was reminded “to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” but she wasn’t even my enemy.  More and more, I began to see that she was just another lost soul who was as deceived as I once was.  The mystery of praying for your “enemy” is experiencing how hurt can be replaced by love, mercy, and compassion that come from seeing the lost through the eyes of Jesus.

Matthew 9:36  When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless,like sheep without a shepherd.

The Fairy Tale Ending

I saw that there is a king waiting for Princess Pinkmary – a big person whose bigness is not just in physical size but in leadership.  He will rule his kingdom with Princess Pinkmary, whom he will treat as his queen, with authority.  And the king has a heart big enough for Queen Pinkmary’s Little Princess Pink.

Then they will love happily ever after.

And that is a vision, not fiction.

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When I reached out to Pinkmary, I held on to this verse:

Romans 8:28  And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,[a] for those who are called according to his purpose.

After all the hurt, it is still my verse.

If I keep a heavenly perspective and believe Romans 8:28, enemies are not really enemies… they are some of the best friends I have. What is sometimes meant by some to hurt me actually helps bring about a work of grace in me that wouldn’t take place any other way.

When a supposed enemy attacks, God exposes the sinful blind spots that lie hidden in my heart. When friends extol my good virtues and praise me, I appreciate their expressions of love, but it is more important that I be told the truth especially when it will wound me deeply (Proverbs 27:6). Otherwise I will not work to become more like Christ and the blind spots I have will grow and further infect my soul…

Without people doing what they think will hurt or destroy me, I would never find the way to being more like Jesus. They are a required part of becoming holy. And because of that I must see them as my best friends!

http://www.keepbelieving.com/sermon/2008-3-10-Why-You-Need-Your-Enemies-Part-Two/

How to Spot a Liar

You Want to be Healed?

I am reposting here a very insightful blog by Rica Peralejo-Bonifacio.  Bold italics are mine since these were what blew me away.  WOW!

The Confession We Should All Make

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Of course, who doesn’t like hearing the personal vows of the couple in a wedding, right? As I’ve said before, that is one of my favorite parts in the ceremony. But sometimes, perhaps out of sheer character and peculiarity of the couple, other parts become just as- if not more, meaningful, as well.

Case in point was the last wedding we attended, that of Edrei and Thine. Edrei is a campus missionary who works with my husband and back when they were still dating, Joe and I have already developed a relationship with both Edrei and Thine. We’ve  had them tell us about their story before but I always wondered, what is it really, that keeps these 2 so connected, so in sync, so MFEO??? Well finally at their wedding, my number 1 question was answered.

Both Edrei and Thine think and feel and know they are truly blessed to be the children of their parents.

Right before their vows, the couple actually chose to honor their parents before everyone. Out loud and in much tears, they poured the overflowing gratitude of their hearts to have grown up with them instead of any other. It was a touching moment.

I think it’s powerful when parents, recognized as the authority in a child’s life, know how to confess their sins and ask for forgiveness. Not only does it set a good example, but immediately corrects a wrong midset they might’ve instilled in the child’s brain.

They were thankful for so many things. One of which was how both sets of parents have financially provided for them without making them feel the weight of what they were, in truth, carrying. (Joe and I have agreed that no matter what happens, our children will not have the poverty mentality! We will see to it that always feel full and not lacking in anything.)

But the thing that caught my attention the most was when Edrei began talking about his parents and how they were not only quick to forgive, but also quick to ask for forgiveness,

“I wanna tell that to all parents here…all of my hurts were immediately healed just because my mom and dad always said sorry…” 

At that point I remembered this verse from the Bible,

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed…”

James 5:16

It was an AHA! Moment when I first encountered this verse, suddenly understanding why I wasn’t healed from many of the hurts I’ve incurred in my life. It was because barely anyone took the time to confess they’ve sinned against me, and that they’re sorry. What’s worse was that I was the same, too. I never really knew how to admit, confess I’ve done wrong, and ask for forgiveness. And so I thought that probably, many people still linger wounded from my sins just because I failed to say sorry.

Confession is key. 

Even to parents, perfection is not key, no, not even being right, but confession is. Edrei grew up healthy and happy and healed, because his parents knew how to say sorry.

It’s probably like 2 people dating. You never really know where you are, what you are, and where to go, unless it is defined and both of you confess it. You cannot just be thinking it. You have to confess it. (Walang mag-BF/GF na naghuhulaan lang, Someone has to say it, diba?)

I think I heard it from one of Andy Stanley’s preachings. That not asking for forgiveness is like having a debt that when you come face to face with the person you’ve wrong some time in the future, that debt is always going to be in the back of your head. Confession and forgiveness are for both parties, I believe. It’s always gonna be a secret in your heart you’d want but unfortunately, fail to keep.

I realized it is the same with mistakes, sins, offenses. We have to confess the wrong, so we can identify what’s right. We have to confess our sorrow in having hurt someone, so we can heal. Most important: confession restores….the broken peace, the broken sense of right and wrong, the broken relationship.  

Sadly, some circumstances don’t allow us to ask or to be given forgiveness anymore. And at this point, we can really just rely on the healing power of Jesus. But what I am trying to encourage us to do today and for the rest of our lives is to try leading a lifestyle of admitting our mistakes, confessing them, and asking for forgiveness. Whether we like it or not, wrongdoings (which we are all capable of!!!) break people. And though we can’t bring back the past, I hope that like me, you also see the hope in confessing, verbalizing, identifying our sins, and really humbling ourselves so to unbreak hearts and souls and allow them to heal. And at the end of the day I hope we remember that while we can’t be perfect, we can surely confess our sins and be truly sorry.