You Cannot Give What You Don't Have

Whilst reading this blog by Rica Peralejo-Bonifacio, I was reminded of an email conversation with a good friend last January.  It was about recovering from a hurt caused by somebody.  At some point, I told her that perhaps, it would be easier to heal if this somebody would apologise (that was why this other blog by Rica also struck me), to which my friend replied “wag mo na antaying mag-sorry siya sa’yo…una, baka mafrustrate ka and remember Jesus died for you when we were still sinners…”

I must say that one of the things that used to surprise me is when people wouldn’t apologise even when I had told them that they had hurt me.  Instead of receiving an apology, I was blamed for having been sensitive or over-reactive or because they had thought okay lang sa akin (to which I had wanted to reply: kung totoong kaibigan kita, alam mo kung ano ang ok at hindi ok sa akin) or told that I had no right to be hurt because it wasn’t their intention to hurt me (as if there is always a direct correlation between one’s intention and how that intention is expressed through words or actions, which are many times the ones that become offensive).  And I realised that the surprise over the shift of the blame (ako na yung nasaktan, ako pa yung nasisi) was because of false expectations – I have learned (and continue to learn) to humble myself and say sorry if I hurt someone even if it wasn’t my intention to do so (sino ba naman ang gusto makasakit consciously?) simply because I hurt him no matter what my intention was.  It was all about shifting the focus on the person I hurt instead of myself – so others should be able to do the same, but truthfully, can I or should I expect other people to have the same mindset as I?

I cannot and should not because as a friend always reminds me, having no expectation from others will spare me from a lot of hurt and disappointment.  And the bigger lesson is that I cannot expect others to understand being accountable for the consequences of their actions (and not of their intentions) and being humble and receiving mercy because it took a lot for me also to get to this place – I am only able to forgive in spite of myself or the absence of an apology because I myself was forgiven when I humbled myself before a mighty, merciful, and loving God who in spite of my wickedness decided to let His Son die on the cross so I can have eternal life with Him in heaven – a love so great I cannot fathom no matter how hard I try to wrap my brain around it.  I can humble myself before someone I hurt because I know there is mercy waiting if not from him, from God.  I can extend mercy to people who offended me because I myself received mercy.  I can love (and a sign of that is being accountable to someone I hurt because love is not arrogant) because I was loved first.  Indeed, you cannot give what you do not have.

Reactions and Reflections

Someone reacted to my blog “Let’s Talk”:

I understand what you say... I always felt that the days when I had
less money were more fun…

I think it’s money that drives as all apart. The more money we make,
the more we become justifiable and while we may call it
responsibilities... it’s more like we have to sweat for the money that
we are being paid. And since we are all conscionable people, we work
harder and longer and therefore neglect the people who mean the most
in our lives…

Yea... I thought I shall email you later but since that would then be
planned and forgotten... I thought I shall do so immediately.

We never see a little flower that grows in a park you know. It takes
time. It takes effort to bend down and see its petals. Same is the
case with friendships. We have to invest time in this one Mar. I need
you to be there in my life.

*****

Somewhere in my journal, this is written:

As I get “richer,” as I get “more successful,” or the higher I go up the corporate ladder, the more I realize that a car, a house, or a high-paying job should and will not make me happy; the more I resolve to humble myself more; the more I take simple joy in taking the bus and the train, in bonding with my family and friends. There is just so much joy in simple and uncomplicated living.

I use my time more wisely now—lesser time on Facebook, more on reading and writing and being with family and friends. For several times this year, I was “on call” for friends who needed to be comforted (even at 12 midnight as I was about to go to bed after a long day at work!) and I have friends who are also just one text away whenever I need someone to have a meal or movie with. I thank God for my friends who, as varied as they are, keep me sane and grounded. I strive to have a more genuine and personal way of keeping in touch with them and not just through Facebook or Twitter, which are so shallow anyway, as one friend put it…because we have to invest time…we have to make time for the ones who really matter.

*****

And I keep this in mind:

1 Timothy 6:17-18

Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share.

Letters

In my to-do-list last weekend were three letters for three friends that had been waiting to be written. I finished writing the letters yesterday and have sent them out. (I have learned that I am not so good at face-to-face conversations especially the ones when I have to advise or reconcile with someone as I have the tendency to be brutally honest, so just let me write. At least I can edit my words and be gentler.)

I wrote mostly about humility and forgiveness, two areas I have always struggled with, especially forgiveness. I don’t forgive easily. I give in to anger and say hurtful words and think thoughts I would rather not talk about because I am not proud of them. But recent, or let’s say, two events that had transpired in the past two years of my life taught me just about these two things—humility and forgiveness, underscore on forgiveness. I have learned that I just have to decide to forgive, not because of the other person but because it is the right thing to do. I have to choose to forgive because not doing so spells defeat on my part. The other person’s world will not stop because I haven’t forgiven him but I would be stuck with the hatred in my heart. That’s tragic. I would have lingering anger while the other would be celebrating life, such a loser!

Late last year, over pasta and pizza, I told a friend how I had asked myself one time why I had to go through so much emotional pain. I mean, I could have just gone through such kind of pain vicariously, right? I have witnessed friends go through break-ups and separations; were those not enough to learn my lesson?

As I wrote the letters, I remembered the lessons I have learned from those two events. And those are what I passed on to my friends. Now I know why I had to go through those experiences, through such heart-wrenching pain.