You Cannot Give What You Don't Have

Whilst reading this blog by Rica Peralejo-Bonifacio, I was reminded of an email conversation with a good friend last January.  It was about recovering from a hurt caused by somebody.  At some point, I told her that perhaps, it would be easier to heal if this somebody would apologise (that was why this other blog by Rica also struck me), to which my friend replied “wag mo na antaying mag-sorry siya sa’yo…una, baka mafrustrate ka and remember Jesus died for you when we were still sinners…”

I must say that one of the things that used to surprise me is when people wouldn’t apologise even when I had told them that they had hurt me.  Instead of receiving an apology, I was blamed for having been sensitive or over-reactive or because they had thought okay lang sa akin (to which I had wanted to reply: kung totoong kaibigan kita, alam mo kung ano ang ok at hindi ok sa akin) or told that I had no right to be hurt because it wasn’t their intention to hurt me (as if there is always a direct correlation between one’s intention and how that intention is expressed through words or actions, which are many times the ones that become offensive).  And I realised that the surprise over the shift of the blame (ako na yung nasaktan, ako pa yung nasisi) was because of false expectations – I have learned (and continue to learn) to humble myself and say sorry if I hurt someone even if it wasn’t my intention to do so (sino ba naman ang gusto makasakit consciously?) simply because I hurt him no matter what my intention was.  It was all about shifting the focus on the person I hurt instead of myself – so others should be able to do the same, but truthfully, can I or should I expect other people to have the same mindset as I?

I cannot and should not because as a friend always reminds me, having no expectation from others will spare me from a lot of hurt and disappointment.  And the bigger lesson is that I cannot expect others to understand being accountable for the consequences of their actions (and not of their intentions) and being humble and receiving mercy because it took a lot for me also to get to this place – I am only able to forgive in spite of myself or the absence of an apology because I myself was forgiven when I humbled myself before a mighty, merciful, and loving God who in spite of my wickedness decided to let His Son die on the cross so I can have eternal life with Him in heaven – a love so great I cannot fathom no matter how hard I try to wrap my brain around it.  I can humble myself before someone I hurt because I know there is mercy waiting if not from him, from God.  I can extend mercy to people who offended me because I myself received mercy.  I can love (and a sign of that is being accountable to someone I hurt because love is not arrogant) because I was loved first.  Indeed, you cannot give what you do not have.

You Want to be Healed?

I am reposting here a very insightful blog by Rica Peralejo-Bonifacio.  Bold italics are mine since these were what blew me away.  WOW!

The Confession We Should All Make

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Of course, who doesn’t like hearing the personal vows of the couple in a wedding, right? As I’ve said before, that is one of my favorite parts in the ceremony. But sometimes, perhaps out of sheer character and peculiarity of the couple, other parts become just as- if not more, meaningful, as well.

Case in point was the last wedding we attended, that of Edrei and Thine. Edrei is a campus missionary who works with my husband and back when they were still dating, Joe and I have already developed a relationship with both Edrei and Thine. We’ve  had them tell us about their story before but I always wondered, what is it really, that keeps these 2 so connected, so in sync, so MFEO??? Well finally at their wedding, my number 1 question was answered.

Both Edrei and Thine think and feel and know they are truly blessed to be the children of their parents.

Right before their vows, the couple actually chose to honor their parents before everyone. Out loud and in much tears, they poured the overflowing gratitude of their hearts to have grown up with them instead of any other. It was a touching moment.

I think it’s powerful when parents, recognized as the authority in a child’s life, know how to confess their sins and ask for forgiveness. Not only does it set a good example, but immediately corrects a wrong midset they might’ve instilled in the child’s brain.

They were thankful for so many things. One of which was how both sets of parents have financially provided for them without making them feel the weight of what they were, in truth, carrying. (Joe and I have agreed that no matter what happens, our children will not have the poverty mentality! We will see to it that always feel full and not lacking in anything.)

But the thing that caught my attention the most was when Edrei began talking about his parents and how they were not only quick to forgive, but also quick to ask for forgiveness,

“I wanna tell that to all parents here…all of my hurts were immediately healed just because my mom and dad always said sorry…” 

At that point I remembered this verse from the Bible,

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed…”

James 5:16

It was an AHA! Moment when I first encountered this verse, suddenly understanding why I wasn’t healed from many of the hurts I’ve incurred in my life. It was because barely anyone took the time to confess they’ve sinned against me, and that they’re sorry. What’s worse was that I was the same, too. I never really knew how to admit, confess I’ve done wrong, and ask for forgiveness. And so I thought that probably, many people still linger wounded from my sins just because I failed to say sorry.

Confession is key. 

Even to parents, perfection is not key, no, not even being right, but confession is. Edrei grew up healthy and happy and healed, because his parents knew how to say sorry.

It’s probably like 2 people dating. You never really know where you are, what you are, and where to go, unless it is defined and both of you confess it. You cannot just be thinking it. You have to confess it. (Walang mag-BF/GF na naghuhulaan lang, Someone has to say it, diba?)

I think I heard it from one of Andy Stanley’s preachings. That not asking for forgiveness is like having a debt that when you come face to face with the person you’ve wrong some time in the future, that debt is always going to be in the back of your head. Confession and forgiveness are for both parties, I believe. It’s always gonna be a secret in your heart you’d want but unfortunately, fail to keep.

I realized it is the same with mistakes, sins, offenses. We have to confess the wrong, so we can identify what’s right. We have to confess our sorrow in having hurt someone, so we can heal. Most important: confession restores….the broken peace, the broken sense of right and wrong, the broken relationship.  

Sadly, some circumstances don’t allow us to ask or to be given forgiveness anymore. And at this point, we can really just rely on the healing power of Jesus. But what I am trying to encourage us to do today and for the rest of our lives is to try leading a lifestyle of admitting our mistakes, confessing them, and asking for forgiveness. Whether we like it or not, wrongdoings (which we are all capable of!!!) break people. And though we can’t bring back the past, I hope that like me, you also see the hope in confessing, verbalizing, identifying our sins, and really humbling ourselves so to unbreak hearts and souls and allow them to heal. And at the end of the day I hope we remember that while we can’t be perfect, we can surely confess our sins and be truly sorry.