We take a walk tonight in this new park in the city, the newly manicured lawn and the Christmas lights hanging from the tree branches the perfect backdrop to our story—a common story, a cliché actually, of unexpressed emotions and an understanding unspoken of, the December breeze gently blowing a reluctant witness to the plot unfolding between us.
I often wondered as a child why there are fireworks in the sky when couples kiss in a movie as if love is enough to banish the darkness of the night. If I kiss you tonight, could we brighten the heavens, too?
You refuse to hold my hand. Your eyes speak the words your lips refuse to say. You try to hide the suffering and a kiss won’t be enough to banish it. You have loved and failed, loved and failed, and scars remain.
So, here we are, standing at the bus station, waiting. I try to hold your hand, to touch you to ease your pain. Yet, you refuse again. I kiss you on the lips, your scars remain. A kiss won’t be enough to banish them.
My bus arrives. Should I stay or should I go? I turn to you and smile, and you say goodbye.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Bridget’s Story
I look at your big, round, dark eyes
And sometimes wonder if they could ever reflect
The void inside you,
The battles never won,
And the battles you choose to walk away from.
Your big smile would dupe us,
It could betray the anguish in your heart,
But your silence never lies
And the tears you cry a reticent testimony
To the rage you suppress inside.
The walls between us hear the sound of your silence
And the ambivalence festooned in your mind—
To cry or not to cry, to surrender or fight—
As palpable as the fine hair on your head.
I once, twice, said you are pretty.
You laughed out loud
But what I heard was a hollow sound
Like random beatings of the drum—
Discordant.
For out of the overflow of the heart,
The mouth speaks not only with words
But also with the melody of laughter, or wailing
When you are rejoicing, or weeping.
If only the walls between us could speak,
They would tell of the shadows lurking in your mind,
Of the music playing in your heart,
But they are but that—
Walls.
So, I just look at your eyes,
And listen to your silence
And tears.
And sometimes wonder if they could ever reflect
The void inside you,
The battles never won,
And the battles you choose to walk away from.
Your big smile would dupe us,
It could betray the anguish in your heart,
But your silence never lies
And the tears you cry a reticent testimony
To the rage you suppress inside.
The walls between us hear the sound of your silence
And the ambivalence festooned in your mind—
To cry or not to cry, to surrender or fight—
As palpable as the fine hair on your head.
I once, twice, said you are pretty.
You laughed out loud
But what I heard was a hollow sound
Like random beatings of the drum—
Discordant.
For out of the overflow of the heart,
The mouth speaks not only with words
But also with the melody of laughter, or wailing
When you are rejoicing, or weeping.
If only the walls between us could speak,
They would tell of the shadows lurking in your mind,
Of the music playing in your heart,
But they are but that—
Walls.
So, I just look at your eyes,
And listen to your silence
And tears.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thanksgiving (yes!) and Resolutions (not!)
From Ian Casocot’s site: I have only one, perfectly doable resolution for the coming New Year: that I will be able to appreciate more and more the things that I am capable of and passionate about -- writing, designing, teaching, among other things -- and learn to value my place in this world. It's the first step to a happy life.
I was inspired by this that I thought back to 2009 and what a year it has been! Here are excerpts from my journal:
1. I am thankful for 2009. Most of this year had been a dizzying emotional ride filled with false expectations and imagined hopes. I had held on to things that I shouldn’t have held on to. I had found myself having difficulty letting go of people that I should have let go of the moment they said goodbye.
I had often found myself asking God if I had made the right decisions in the past—the schools I went to and the courses I took up. I had asked God many times if I am where I am supposed to be (and He always answered “yes!”).
One day, I just stopped hoping falsely and let go. I forgave and moved on.
2. I don’t know how and when exactly it happened (or when the process started) but I’m better now. I have a better view of myself, of who and what I am and can and cannot do. No more striving to be who I am not.
And while I have become more self-aware, I have also started to explore the things that I may be capable of. I had toyed with the idea of taking up guitar and baking lessons but later realized that these are not my forte. I took up writing lessons instead. I am now thinking whether to take up drawing/painting lessons. I am now more discerning of the things that I should and shouldn’t do. I don’t want to waste money and time on something that I am not enabled to do. We have different gifts and that’s what we should be able to discern.
I just want to be the best of whatever I am and can be—be the best business development manager and the best writer that I can be and whatever other role God gives me.
I have a better view of my purpose in life and the legacy that I want to build and leave.
3. Thank you, God. Thank you for 2009 and the lessons it brought. Thank you for not letting me go. Thank you because you are now so tangible in my life—in every area of it. Thank you for your countless assurances and thank you for your faithfulness! Thank you for breaking and molding me.
Thank you because in spite of my imperfections, you brought people to me whom I was able to inspire and encourage. Thank you for the wisdom and the words. Indeed, he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.
I am at peace and ready to be sent to wherever God asks me to go. Ibang klase magbigay ng adventure si God, masaya na mahirap pero palaging panalo! Because He is always with us wherever we go. Saan ka pa?! I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good so why should I rely on things or relationships that are otherwise fleeting?
Thank you for the discernment of right from wrong and the courage to stand for what’s right. Thank you for making me go through the refiner’s fire because I wouldn’t be who and where I am right now if not for that. Hindsight is indeed 20/20, as Celine Lopez said. When God does something, walang trumpets or big bang pero palaging maganda ang kinakalabasan!
4. So what’s for 2010? Just to be the best that God intended me to be; to be prepared to go where I am called to go; to know and enrich myself more; to appreciate what I have; to dream more and act on those dreams with discernment; to build a more intimate relationship with God and seek His will for my life; to run the race that is set before me and finish it in victory with my integrity intact.
Welcome, 2010!
I was inspired by this that I thought back to 2009 and what a year it has been! Here are excerpts from my journal:
1. I am thankful for 2009. Most of this year had been a dizzying emotional ride filled with false expectations and imagined hopes. I had held on to things that I shouldn’t have held on to. I had found myself having difficulty letting go of people that I should have let go of the moment they said goodbye.
I had often found myself asking God if I had made the right decisions in the past—the schools I went to and the courses I took up. I had asked God many times if I am where I am supposed to be (and He always answered “yes!”).
One day, I just stopped hoping falsely and let go. I forgave and moved on.
2. I don’t know how and when exactly it happened (or when the process started) but I’m better now. I have a better view of myself, of who and what I am and can and cannot do. No more striving to be who I am not.
And while I have become more self-aware, I have also started to explore the things that I may be capable of. I had toyed with the idea of taking up guitar and baking lessons but later realized that these are not my forte. I took up writing lessons instead. I am now thinking whether to take up drawing/painting lessons. I am now more discerning of the things that I should and shouldn’t do. I don’t want to waste money and time on something that I am not enabled to do. We have different gifts and that’s what we should be able to discern.
I just want to be the best of whatever I am and can be—be the best business development manager and the best writer that I can be and whatever other role God gives me.
I have a better view of my purpose in life and the legacy that I want to build and leave.
3. Thank you, God. Thank you for 2009 and the lessons it brought. Thank you for not letting me go. Thank you because you are now so tangible in my life—in every area of it. Thank you for your countless assurances and thank you for your faithfulness! Thank you for breaking and molding me.
Thank you because in spite of my imperfections, you brought people to me whom I was able to inspire and encourage. Thank you for the wisdom and the words. Indeed, he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.
I am at peace and ready to be sent to wherever God asks me to go. Ibang klase magbigay ng adventure si God, masaya na mahirap pero palaging panalo! Because He is always with us wherever we go. Saan ka pa?! I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good so why should I rely on things or relationships that are otherwise fleeting?
Thank you for the discernment of right from wrong and the courage to stand for what’s right. Thank you for making me go through the refiner’s fire because I wouldn’t be who and where I am right now if not for that. Hindsight is indeed 20/20, as Celine Lopez said. When God does something, walang trumpets or big bang pero palaging maganda ang kinakalabasan!
4. So what’s for 2010? Just to be the best that God intended me to be; to be prepared to go where I am called to go; to know and enrich myself more; to appreciate what I have; to dream more and act on those dreams with discernment; to build a more intimate relationship with God and seek His will for my life; to run the race that is set before me and finish it in victory with my integrity intact.
Welcome, 2010!
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