Timelines and Smiles

For P.

Fifteen months. I count the number of times you smiled, the number of times we shared a meal, and the number of times we shared a laugh. I read each entry in my diary and paint the picture in my mind. I still remember the moments vividly, the colors so bright, your voice, your eyes. But I wonder why my heart doesn’t skip a beat and the memories don’t make me smile; they don’t make me cry.

I never said goodbye, afraid to obliterate you from my life. Unsure whether to forget a promise or just keep it in my heart, filed within the recesses of my mind.

Goodbye. I tried uttering the word in the many moments I was alone. My mind agreed but my heart did not. One last smile, I said, one last smile and I would like to feel if my heart would skip a beat and if I myself could smile.

One last smile. I would like to see if I would long to kiss your lips and melt in your embrace.

Just last night. I longed to share a laugh, a meal, perhaps. I longed to touch your face and hug you tight.

Tonight. You smiled that one last smile. I looked into your eyes and did not see me. My heart didn’t skip a beat and I couldn’t smile. I turned my back, walked away, ran down the stairs, and asked myself “is this goodbye?”


February 2, 2009
Ed. February 4, 2009